Clinical Reference Systems: Pediatric Advisor 10.0
Ways Children Cope with Grief
When a family member dies, children react differently than
adults. Preschool children usually see death as temporary
and reversible, a belief reinforced by cartoon characters
who "die" and then "come to life" again. Children between 5
and 9 begin to think more like adults about death, yet they
still believe it will never happen to them or anyone they
know.
Adding to a child's shock and confusion at the death of a
brother, sister, or parent may be the unavailability of
other family members. They may be so shaken by grief that
they are not able to cope with the normal responsibility of
child care.
Parents should be aware of normal childhood responses to a
death in the family and alert to danger signals. It is
normal during the weeks following the death of a family
member for some children to feel immediate grief or persist
in the belief that the family member is still alive. But
long-term denial of the death or avoidance of grief is
unhealthy and can surface later in more severe problems.
A child who is frightened of attending a funeral should not
be forced to go. However, some service or observance, such
as lighting a candle, saying a prayer, or visiting a grave
site, is recommended.
Once children accept the death, they are likely to display
their feelings of sadness on and off over a long period of
time, and often at unexpected moments. The surviving
relatives should spend as much time as possible with the
child, making it clear that the child has permission to show
his or her feelings openly or freely.
The person who has died was essential to the stability of
the child's world, and anger is a natural reaction. The
anger may be revealed in boisterous play, nightmares,
irritability, or a variety of other behaviors. Often the
child will show anger toward the surviving family members.
After a parent dies, many children will act younger than
they are. A child may temporarily become more infantile,
demanding food, attention, and cuddling, and talking "baby
talk."
Younger children believe they are the cause of what happens
around them. A young child may believe a parent,
grandparent, brother, or sister died because he or she had
once wished the person dead. The child may feel guilty
because the wish came true.
Some danger signals to watch for include:
- an extended period of depression in which the child loses
interest in daily activities and events
- the inability to sleep, loss of appetite, or a prolonged
fear of being alone
- acting much younger for an extended period
- excessively imitating the dead person
- making repeated statements of wanting to join the dead
person
- withdrawal from friends
- a sharp drop in school performance or refusal to attend
school.
These warning signs indicate that professional help may be
needed to enable the child to accept the death and to assist
the survivors in helping the child through the mourning
process.
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