Clinical Reference Systems: Pediatric Advisor 10.0
Spanish version
Adolescents: Dealing with Normal Rebellion
DESCRIPTION
The main task of adolescents in our culture is to become
psychologically emancipated from their parents. The
teenager must cast aside the dependent relationship of
childhood. Before he can develop an adult relationship with
his parents, the adolescent must first distance himself from
the way he related to them in the past. This process is
characterized by a certain amount of intermittent normal
rebellion, defiance, discontent, turmoil, restlessness, and
ambivalence. Emotions usually run high. Mood swings are
common. Under the best of circumstances, this adolescent
rebellion continues for approximately 2 years; not
uncommonly it lasts for 4 to 6 years.
DEALING WITH NORMAL ADOLESCENT REBELLION
The following guidelines may help you and your teenager
through this difficult period.
- Treat your teenager as an adult friend.
By the time your child is 12 years old, start working on
developing the kind of relationship you would like to
have with your child when she is an adult. Treat your
child the way you would like her to treat you when she
is an adult. Your goal is mutual respect, support, and
the ability to have fun together. Strive for relaxed,
casual conversations during bicycling, hiking, shopping,
playing catch, driving, cooking, mealtime, working, and
other times together. Use praise and trust to help
build her self-esteem. Recognize and validate your
child's feelings by listening sympathetically and making
nonjudgmental comments. Remember that listening doesn't
mean you have to solve your teen's problems. The
friendship model is the best basis for family
functioning.
- Avoid criticism about "no-win" topics.
Most negative parent-adolescent relationships develop
because the parents criticize their teenager too much.
Much of the teen's objectionable behavior merely
reflects conformity with the current tastes of his peer
group. Peer-group immersion is one of the essential
stages of adolescent development. Dressing, talking,
and acting differently than adults helps your child feel
independent from you. Try not to attack your teenager's
clothing, hairstyle, makeup, music, dance steps,
friends, recreational interests, room decorations, use
of free time, use of money, speech, posture, religion,
and philosophy. This doesn't mean withholding your
personal views about these subjects. But allowing your
teen to rebel in these harmless areas often prevents
testing in major areas, such as experimentation with
drugs, truancy, or stealing. Intervene and try to make
a change only if your teenager's behavior is harmful,
illegal, or infringes on your rights (see sections 4 and
5 on house rules).
Another common error is to criticize your teen's mood or
attitude. A negative or lazy attitude can only be
changed through good example and praise. The more you
dwell on nontraditional (even strange) behaviors, the
longer they will last.
- Let society's rules and consequences teach
responsibility outside the home.
Your teenager must learn from trial and error. As she
experiments, she will learn to take responsibility for
her decisions and actions. The parent should speak up
only if the adolescent is going to do something
dangerous or illegal. Otherwise, the parent must rely
on the teen's own self-discipline, pressure from her
peers to behave responsibly, and the lessons learned
from the consequences of her actions.
City curfew laws will help control late hours. A
school's requirement for punctual school attendance will
influence when your teen goes to bed at night. School
grades will hold your teenager accountable for homework
and other aspects of school performance. If your teen
has bad work habits, she will lose her job. If your
teenager makes a poor choice of friends, she may find
her confidences broken or that she gets into trouble.
If she doesn't practice hard for a sport, she will be
pressured by the team and coach to do better. If she
misspends her allowance or earnings, she will run out of
money before the end of the month.
If by chance your teenager asks you for advice about
these problem areas, try to describe the pros and cons
in a brief, impartial way. Ask some questions to help
her think about the main risks. Then conclude your
remarks with a comment such as, "Do what you think is
best." Teenagers need plenty of opportunity to learn
from their own mistakes before they leave home and have
to solve problems without an ever-present support
system.
- Clarify the house rules and consequences.
You have the right and the responsibility to make rules
regarding your house and other possessions. A
teenager's preferences can be tolerated within his own
room but they need not be imposed on the rest of the
house. You can forbid loud music that interferes with
other people's activities, or incoming telephone calls
after 10:00 PM. While you should make your teen's
friends feel welcome in your home, clarify the ground
rules about parties or where snacks can be eaten. Your
teen can be placed in charge of cleaning his room,
washing his clothes, and ironing his clothes. You can
insist upon clean clothes and enough showers to prevent
or overcome body odor. You must decide whether you will
loan him your car, bicycle, camera, radio, TV, clothes,
and so forth.
Reasonable consequences for breaking house rules include
loss of telephone, TV, stereo, and car privileges.
(Time-out is rarely useful in this age group, and
physical punishment can escalate to a serious breakdown
in your relationship.) If your teenager breaks
something, he should repair it or pay for its repair or
replacement. If he makes a mess, he should clean it up.
If your teen is doing poorly in school, you can restrict
TV time. You can also put a limit on telephone
privileges and weeknights out. If your teen stays out
too late or doesn't call you when he's delayed, you can
ground him for a day or a weekend. In general,
grounding for more than a few days is looked upon as
unfair and is hard to enforce.
- Use family conferences for negotiating house rules.
Some families find it helpful to have a brief meeting
after dinner once a week. At this time your teenager
can ask for changes in the house rules or bring up
family issues that are causing problems. You can also
bring up issues (such as your teen's demand to drive her
to too many places and your need for her help in
arranging carpools). The family unit often functions
better if the decision-making is democratic. The
objective of negotiation should be that both parties
win. The atmosphere can be one of: "Nobody is at
fault, but we have a problem. How can we solve it?"
- Give space to a teenager who is in a bad mood.
Generally when your teenager is in a bad mood, he won't
want to talk about it with you. If teenagers want to
discuss a problem with anybody, it is usually with a
close friend. In general, it is advisable at such times
to give your teen lots of space and privacy. This is a
poor time to talk to your teenager about anything,
pleasant or otherwise.
- Use "I" messages for rudeness.
Some talking back is normal. We want our teenagers to
express their anger through talking and to challenge our
opinions in a logical way. We need to listen. Expect
your teenager to present his case passionately, even
unreasonably. Let the small stuff go--it's only words.
But don't accept disrespectful remarks such as calling
you a "jerk." Unlike a negative attitude, these mean
remarks should not be ignored. You can respond with a
comment like, "It really hurts me when you put me down
or don't answer my question." Make your statement in as
nonangry a way as possible. If your adolescent
continues to make angry, unpleasant remarks, leave the
room. Don't get into a shouting match with your
teenager because this is not a type of behavior that is
acceptable in outside relationships.
What you are trying to teach is that everyone has the
right to disagree and even to express anger, but that
screaming and rude conversation are not allowed in your
house. You can prevent some rude behavior by being a
role model of politeness, constructive disagreement, and
the willingness to apologize.
CALL YOUR PHYSICIAN DURING OFFICE HOURS IF:
- You think your teenager is depressed, suicidal, drinking
or using drugs, or going to run away.
- Your teenager is taking undue risks (for example,
reckless driving).
- Your teenager has no close friends.
- Your teenager's school performance is declining markedly.
- Your teenager is skipping school frequently.
- Your teenager's outbursts of temper are destructive or
violent.
- You feel your teenager's rebellion is excessive.
- Your family life is seriously disrupted by your teenager.
- You find yourself escalating the criticism and
punishment.
- Your relationship with your teenager does not improve
within 3 months after you begin using these approaches.
- You have other questions or concerns.
RECOMMENDED READING
Peter H. Buntman and E.M. Saris, How to Live with Your
Teenager (New York: Ballantine Books, 1982).
Lois Davitz and Joel Davitz, How to Live (Almost) Happily
with a Teenager (New York: Signet, 1983).
Don Dinkmeyer and Gary D. McKay, Parenting Teenagers (Circle
Pines, Minn.: American Guidance Service, 1990).
Kathleen McCoy and Charles Wibbelsman, Crisis-Proof Your
Teenager (New York: Bantam Books, 1991).
Kathleen McCoy and Charles Wibbelsman, The Teenage Body Book
(New York: Simon & Schuster, 1984).
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