Clinical Reference Systems: Pediatric Advisor 10.0
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Discipline Basics
DESCRIPTION
The first goal of discipline is to protect your child from
danger. Another very important goal is to teach your child
an understanding of right from wrong. Good discipline
gradually changes a self-centered child into a mature adult
who is thoughtful and respectful of others, assertive
without being hostile, and in control of his or her
impulses. Reasonable limit-setting keeps us from raising a
"spoiled" child. The word "discipline" means "to teach."
It does not mean "to punish."
To teach respect for the rights of others, first teach your
child about parents' rights. Children need parents who are
"in charge." Begin external controls by 6 months of age.
Children start to develop internal controls (self-control)
at 3 or 4 years of age. They continue to need external
controls, in gradually decreasing amounts, through
adolescence.
If your child has several discipline problems or is out of
control, start reading the section titled "How to Begin a
Discipline Program." If you want to learn more about normal
discipline, go directly to the section titled "Guidelines
for Setting Rules."
HOW TO BEGIN A DISCIPLINE PROGRAM
- List problem behaviors.
What do you want to change? Over the next 3 or 4 days,
note and write down your child's inappropriate or
annoying behavior traits.
- Set priorities for correcting the problem behavior.
Some misbehavior needs immediate attention; for
instance, behavior that might harm your child or others.
Some behavior is too annoying or obnoxious to be ignored
(such as not going to bed). Some unpleasant behavior
(such as negativism--that is, saying "No" all the time
between age 2 and 3) is normal and should be tolerated.
Some families with a child who is out of control have
too many rules and need to think about what misbehavior
can be overlooked.
- Write house rules about the most important kinds of
misbehavior.
See the section titled "Guidelines for Setting Rules."
- Decide what punishment you will use for each type of
misbehavior.
All behavior, good and bad, is mainly affected (or
shaped) by consequences. If the consequence is pleasant
(for example, a reward or praise), the child is more
likely to repeat that behavior. If the consequence is
unpleasant (a punishment), the child is less likely to
do the same thing again.
Young children usually do not respond to lectures or
reminders. Actions speak louder than words. The most
effective actions are ignoring the misbehavior,
redirecting the child to appropriate behavior, or giving
your child a time-out.
For further information on forms of punishment, see the
section titled "Discipline Techniques."
- Temporarily discontinue any physical punishment.
Most out-of-control children are already too aggressive.
Physical punishment teaches them that it's OK to be
aggressive (for example, hit or hurt someone else) to
solve problems.
- Discontinue any yelling.
Yelling and screaming teach your child to yell back; you
are thereby legitimizing shouting matches. Your child
will sense from your yelling that you are not feeling in
charge. Yelling often escalates the disagreement into a
win-lose battle. Your child will respond better in the
long run to a pleasant tone of voice and words of
diplomacy.
- Don't take your child to public places until his or her
behavior is under control at home.
Misbehaving children are usually more difficult to
control in a shopping mall or supermarket than at home.
Leave your child with a baby sitter or spouse when you
need to go to these places.
- Take daily breaks from your child.
Ask your spouse to give you a break from supervising
your young child, to take over all the discipline for a
few hours. If this is impossible, hire a teenager a few
times a week to look after your child while you go out.
Also make a "date" for a weekly night out with your
spouse or a friend.
- Give your child more positive feedback.
Children respond to discipline from people they feel
loved by and want to please. Every child needs daily
praise, smiles, and hugs. Give your child this
increased attention when he or she is not demanding it,
especially if the child is behaving well. Try
especially hard to notice the times when your child is
being good. If your child receives more negative
comments and criticisms each day than positive
responses, you need to restore an emotionally healthy
balance by having less rules, criticizing your child
less, and giving your child more praise and affection.
Many experts feel that it takes several positive
contacts to counter one negative one. (For further
information, see the section titled "Guidelines for
Positive Reinforcement.")
- Protect your child's self-esteem.
Your child's self-esteem is more important than how well
disciplined he or she is. Don't discuss your child's
discipline problems and your concerns about him or her
when your child is around. Correct your child in a kind
way. Sometimes begin your correction with "I'm sorry I
can't let you ...." Don't label your child a "bad girl"
or "bad boy." After punishment is over, welcome your
child back into the family circle, telling him or her
that all is forgiven.
GUIDELINES FOR SETTING RULES
- Begin discipline at about 6 months of age.
Newborns don't need any discipline. Starting at
6 months, however, parents can begin to clarify their
own rights. If your child makes it difficult to change
a diaper by kicking and wiggling you can say firmly,
"No, help Mommy change your diaper." By 8 months of
age, children need rules for their own safety.
- Express each misbehavior as a clear and concrete rule.
Your child may not understand vague descriptions of
misbehavior such as "hyperactive," "irresponsible," or
"mean." The younger the child, the more concrete the
rule must be. Examples of clear rules are: "Don't push
your brother" and "Don't interrupt me on the telephone."
- Also state the acceptable, desired, adaptive, or
appropriate behavior.
Your child needs to know what is expected of him or her.
Examples are: "Play with your brother," "Look at books
when I'm on the telephone," or "Walk, don't run." Make
your praise of good behavior specific; for example,
"Thank you for being quiet."
- Ignore unimportant or irrelevant misbehavior.
The more rules you have, the less likely your child is
to obey them. Constant criticism usually doesn't work.
Behavior such as swinging the legs, poor table manners,
or normal negativism is unimportant during the early
years.
- Use rules that are fair and attainable.
Rules must fit your child's age. A child should not be
punished for clumsiness when he or she is learning to
walk, nor for poor pronunciation when the child is
learning to speak. In addition, a child should not be
punished for behavior that is part of normal emotional
development, such as thumbsucking, fears of being
separated from his or her parents, and toilet training
accidents.
- Concentrate on two or three rules initially.
Give highest priority to issues of safety, such as not
running into the street, and to the prevention of harm
to others. Of next importance is behavior that damages
property. Then come all the annoying behavior traits
that wear you down.
- Avoid trying to change "no-win" power struggles through
punishment.
"No-win behavior" is behavior that usually cannot be
controlled by the parent if the child decides to
continue it. Examples are wetting pants, hair pulling,
thumbsucking, body rocking, masturbation, not eating
enough, not going to sleep, and refusal to complete
schoolwork. The first step in resolving such a power
struggle is to withdraw from the conflict and stop
punishing your child for the misbehavior. Then give
your child positive reinforcement, such as praise, when
he or she behaves as you'd like. (See the section
titled "Guidelines for Positive Reinforcement.")
- Apply the rules consistently.
After the parents agree on the rules, it may be helpful
to write them down and post them in a conspicuous place
in the home.
DISCIPLINE TECHNIQUES (INCLUDING CONSEQUENCES)
- Summary of techniques to use for different ages
The techniques mentioned here are further described
after this list.
- From birth to 6 months: no discipline necessary.
- From 6 months to 3 years: structuring the home
environment, distracting, ignoring, verbal and
nonverbal disapproval, moving or escorting, and
temporary time-out.
- From 3 years to 5 years: the preceding techniques
(especially temporary time-out), plus natural
consequences, restricting places where the child can
misbehave, and logical consequences.
- From 5 years to adolescence: the preceding
techniques plus delay of a privilege, "I" messages,
and negotiation and family conferences. Structuring
the environment and distraction can be discontinued.
- Adolescence: logical consequences, "I" messages, and
family conferences about house rules. By the time
your child is an adolescent, you should stop using
manual guidance and time-out techniques.
- Structuring the home environment
You can change your child's surroundings so that an
object or situation that could cause a problem is
eliminated. Examples are: putting breakables out of
reach, fencing in a yard, setting up gates, putting
locks on a special desk, or locking certain rooms.
- Distracting your child from misbehavior
Distracting a young child from temptation by attracting
his or her attention to something else is especially
helpful when the child is in someone else's house, a
physician's office, or a store. It would be difficult
to use other options for discipline (such as time-out)
in such places. You may also want to give your child
something to distract him or her from trouble if you're
going to be busy at home with guests, the telephone, or
feeding a baby. Most children can be distracted with
toys or food. School-age children may need books,
games, or other activities to keep their attention.
Distracting is also called "diverting" or "redirecting."
- Ignoring the misbehavior
Ignoring helps stop unacceptable behavior that is
harmless--such as tantrums, sulking, whining,
quarreling, or interrupting. The proper way to ignore
this behavior is to move away from your child, turn your
back, avoid eye contact, and stop any conversation with
your child. Ignore any protests or excuses. Sometimes
you may need to leave the area where your child is
misbehaving. Ignoring is also called extinction.
- Verbal and nonverbal disapproval
Mild disapproval is often all that is required to stop a
young child's misbehavior. Get close to your child, get
eye contact, look stern, and give a brief, direct
instruction, such as "No" or "Stop." You can speak in a
disapproving but soft tone because you are close to your
child. Show your child what you want him or her to do.
You may want to underscore that you are serious by
pointing or shaking your finger. The most common
mistake parents make when they use this technique is
smiling or laughing.
- Moving or escorting (manual guidance)
"Manual guidance" means that you move a child from one
place to another against his or her will. Sometimes
children must be physically moved from a place where
they are causing trouble to a time-out chair. At other
times they must be taken to the bed, bath, or car if
they refuse to go on their own. Guide your child by the
hand or forearm. If your child refuses to be led, pick
the child up from behind and carry him or her.
- Temporary time-out or social isolation
Time-out removes the child from the scene of the
unacceptable behavior to a boring place (for example, a
playpen, corner, chair, or bedroom). Time-out is the
most effective discipline technique available to parents
for dealing with misbehaving infants and young children.
Time-outs should last about 1 minute per year of age and
not more than 5 minutes.
- Natural consequences
By experiencing the natural consequences of his or her
own actions, your child learns good behavior from the
natural laws of the physical world. Examples are:
Coming to dinner late means the food will be cold; not
dressing properly for the weather means your child will
be cold or wet; not wearing mittens while playing in the
snow will lead to cold hands; running on ice can lead to
falling down; putting sand in the mouth leads to an
unpleasant taste; breaking a toy means it isn't fun to
play with anymore; and going to bed late means being
sleepy in the morning. Although it is very helpful for
children to learn from their mistakes, it is important
that they not be allowed to do anything that could hurt
them or others, such as by playing with matches or
running into the street.
- Restricting places where a child can misbehave
This technique is especially helpful for behavior
problems that can't be eliminated. Allowing such
misbehavior as nose picking and masturbation in your
child's room prevents an unnecessary power struggle.
Roughhousing can be restricted to outdoors. You may
decide to allow your child to ride the tricycle only in
the basement during winter.
- Logical consequences
Logical consequences are consequences that you impose on
your child as a result of his or her misbehavior. They
should be logically related to the misbehavior, making
your child accountable for his or her problems and
decisions. Many logical consequences are simply the
temporary removal of a possession or privilege.
Examples are: taking away toys or crayons that are not
handled properly, not replacing a lost toy, not
repairing a broken toy, sending your child to school
partially dressed if the child won't dress himself or
herself, having your child clean up milk the child has
spilled or a floor the child has tracked mud on, having
your child clean messy underwear, and turning off the TV
if children are quarreling about it. In addition, your
child can temporarily lose TV, telephone, shopping,
bicycle, and car privileges if they are misused. The
schoolteacher will provide appropriate logical
consequences if your child does not complete homework
assignments.
Do not punish children by depriving them of basic
essentials, such as a meal; organized activities with
groups such as a team or scout troop; or events your
child has looked forward to for a long time, such as
going to the circus.
- Delay of a privilege
This technique involves requiring your child to finish a
less preferable activity before a more preferable one is
allowed ("work before play"). Examples are: "After you
clean your room, you can go out and play"; "When you
finish your homework, you can watch TV"; and "When you
have tasted all your foods, you can have dessert."
- "I" messages
When your child misbehaves, tell your child how you
feel. Say, "I am angry" or "I am upset when you do such
and such." Your child is more likely to listen and
respond positively to you than if everything you say to
your child starts with "you." "You" messages usually
trigger a defensive reaction.
- Negotiation and family conferences
As children become older they need more communication
and discussion with their parents about problems. A
parent can begin such a conversation by saying, "We need
to change these things. What are some ways we could
handle this?" Discussions involving the whole family
(family conferences) also are helpful.
GUIDELINES FOR GIVING CONSEQUENCES (PUNISHMENTS)
- Be unambivalent.
Mean what you say. Be stern and tough.
- Correct with love.
Talk to your child the way you want people to talk to
you. Avoid yelling or using a disrespectful tone of
voice. For example, say gently, "I'm sorry you left the
yard. Now you must stay in the house."
- Give one warning or reminder before you punish your
child.
When you know your child understands the rule, this
warning is unnecessary and you can punish your child
without a warning. Be sure to give the punishment
instead of just repeating threats of punishment if your
child doesn't stop what he or she is doing.
- Punish your child for clear intent of aggressive
behavior.
Stop your child before someone is hurt or damage is
done. An example would be that you see your child
raising a toy to hit a playmate.
- Give the consequence immediately.
Delayed consequences are less effective because young
children forget why they are being punished. Punishment
should occur very soon after the misbehavior and be
administered by the adult who witnessed the misdeed. An
exception for children older than 4 or 5 years of age is
when they misbehave outside the home, where it is
difficult to punish them. You could put checkmarks on
your child's hand with a felt-tip pen to indicate the
number of punishments the child will receive when you
get home. The punishments might be 5 minutes of
time-out or 30 minutes of lost TV time for each
checkmark.
- Make a one-sentence comment about the rule when you
punish your child.
Avoid making a long speech.
- Ignore your child's arguments while you are correcting
him or her.
This is the child's way of delaying punishment. Have a
discussion with your child at a later, more pleasant
time. Especially under 3 years of age, children mainly
understand action, not words.
- Make the punishment brief.
Take toys out of circulation for no more than 1 or 2
days. Time-outs should last no longer than 1 minute per
year of the child's age.
- Keep the consequence in proportion to the misbehavior.
Also try to make the consequence relate to the
misbehavior (logical consequences).
- Follow the consequence with love and trust.
Welcome your child back into the family circle and do
not comment upon the previous misbehavior or require an
apology for it.
- Direct the punishment against the misbehavior, not the
person.
Avoid degrading comments such as, "You never do anything
right."
- Don't be surprised if, for a short time, your child
misbehaves more often once you start disciplining your
child consistently.
Children who are out of control initially go through a
phase of testing their parents before they comply with
the new system. This testing usually lasts 2 or 3 days.
GUIDELINES FOR POSITIVE REINFORCEMENT OF DESIRED BEHAVIOR
Most parents don't give enough positive reinforcement,
especially touching and hugs. Don't take good behavior for
granted. Watch for behavior you like, then praise your child
by saying such things as "I like the way you ...," or "I
appreciate ...." When you say this, move close to your
child, look at him or her, smile, and be affectionate. A
parent's affection and attention is the favorite reward of
most children.
There are two kinds of positive reinforcement: social and
material. Social positive reinforcement, such as praise,
should be used when your child behaves in a desired way.
Praise the behavior, not the person. Examples are sharing
toys, having good manners, doing chores, playing
cooperatively, treating the baby gently, petting the dog
gently, being a good sport, cleaning the room, or reading a
book. Your child can also be praised for trying, such as
trying to use the potty or attempting something difficult,
like a puzzle. Praise will make your child want to behave
well more often. Try to "catch" your child being good, and
comment on it three or more times for every one time you
discipline or criticize your child.
Material reinforcers are often candy, animal crackers, money
or video-time. Use material reinforcers as incentives to
increase the frequency of more responsible behavior. They
may be useful in overcoming resistance when children are
entrenched in power struggles around "no-win" behaviors (for
example, wetting or soiling their pants). Material
reinforcers should be used for only one problem behavior at
a time and when praise alone hasn't worked. They should be
phased out and replaced by natural (social) reinforcers as
soon as possible.
CALL YOUR CHILD'S PHYSICIAN DURING OFFICE HOURS IF:
- Your child's misbehavior is dangerous.
- The instances of misbehavior seem too numerous to count.
- Your child is also having behavior problems at school.
- Your child doesn't seem to have many good points.
- Your child seems depressed.
- The parents can't agree on discipline.
- You can't give up physical punishment. (Note: Call
immediately if you are afraid you might hurt your child.)
- The misbehavior does not improve after 1 month of using
this approach.
RECOMMENDED READING
Edward R. Christophersen; Little People: Guidelines for
Common Sense Child Rearing (Kansas City, MO, Westport
Publishers, 1988).
Don Dinkmeyer and Gary D. McKay; Parenting Young Children
(Circle Pines, Minn.: American Guidance Service, 1989).
Thomas Gordon; P.E.T., Parent Effectiveness Training (New
York: New American Library, 1975).
Michael Popkin; Active Parenting (San Francisco, Harper and
Row, 1987)
Jerry Wyckoff and Barbara C. Unell; Discipline Without
Spanking or Shouting (Deephaven, Minn.: Meadowbrook,
1984).
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