Clinical Reference Systems: Pediatric Advisor 10.0
Spanish version
Divorce: Its Impact on Children
HELPING YOUR CHILD COPE WITH DIVORCE
More than one million children are affected by divorce each
year. Our primary goal should be to minimize the emotional
harm to these children. The main way to achieve this is to
help the children maintain a close and secure relationship
with both parents.
Tell your child about the separation or divorce before the
actual departure of one parent. Preferably, both parents
and all children should be present.
The following recommendations may be useful in helping your
children cope.
- Reassure your children that both parents love them.
Make it clear that, although you are unhappy with each
other and disagree about many things, the one subject
you both completely agree on is how much you love your
children. Demonstrate this love by spending time with
your children. Preschoolers especially need lots of
cuddling from both parents, but don't start bad habits
like letting your child sleep with you.
- Keep constant as many aspects of your child's world as
you can.
The fewer the changes, the better your child will cope
with the crisis of divorce. Try to keep your child in
the same home or neighborhood. If this is impossible,
at least try to keep your child in the same school with
the same teachers, friends, and teams, even if only
temporarily. Reassure your child that although your
standard of living will decrease somewhat, you will
continue to have the basic necessities of living (that
is, food, clothing, and shelter).
- Reassure your child that the noncustodial parent will
visit.
Your child needs both parents. Young children are
confused by divorce and fear that one parent may abandon
them. Children need to know that they will have ongoing
contact with both their father and their mother.
Have a scheduled, predictable time for visiting. The
custodial parent should strongly support the visiting
schedule. One full day every 1 or 2 weeks is usually
preferable to more frequent, brief (and rushed) visits.
Try not to do too much in one day. If there is more
than one child, all should spend equal time or the same
time with the noncustodial parent to prevent feelings of
favoritism. Your child will eagerly look forward to the
visits, so the visiting parent must keep promises, be
punctual, and remember birthdays and other special
events. Both parents should work to make these visits
pleasant. Allow your child to tell you he had a good
time during the visit with your ex-spouse.
Provide your children with the telephone number of the
noncustodial parent and encourage them to call at
regular intervals. If the noncustodial parent has moved
to a distant city, telephone calls and letters become
essential to the ongoing relationship.
- If the noncustodial parent becomes uninvolved, find
substitutes.
Ask relatives or Big Brother or Big Sister volunteers to
spend more time with your son or daughter. Explain to
your child, "Your dad (or mom) is not capable right now
of being available for you. He (she) is sorting out his
(her) own problems. There's not much we can do to
change that." Help your child talk about disappointment
and the sense of loss. If your child is a teenager,
writing and calling the absent parent may eventually
reengage him or her.
- Help your child talk about painful feelings.
At the time of separation and divorce, many children
become anxious, depressed, and angry. They are
frequently on the brink of tears, sleep poorly, have
stomachaches, or don't do as well in school. To help
your children get over these painful feelings, encourage
them to talk about them and respond with understanding
and support. A divorce discussion group at school can
help children feel less isolated and ashamed.
Your child needs ample time to grieve the loss of you
and your spouse as a parental unit. Allow feelings to
be expressed openly and answer your child's questions
honestly. When anger turns into disruptive behavior,
limits must be imposed while you help your child express
the anger.
- Make sure that your children understand that they are
not responsible for the divorce.
Children often feel guilty, believing that they somehow
caused the divorce. Your children need reassurance that
they did not in any way cause the divorce.
- Clarify that the divorce is final.
Some children hold on to the hope that they can somehow
reunite the parents, and they pretend that the
separation is temporary. Making it clear to children
that the divorce is final can help them mourn their loss
and move on to a more realistic adjustment to the
divorce.
- Try to protect your child's positive feelings about both
parents.
Try to mention the good points about the other parent.
Don't be overly honest about negative feelings you have
toward your ex-spouse. (You need to unload these
feelings with another adult, not your children).
Devaluing or discrediting the other parent in your
child's presence can reduce your child's personal
self-esteem and create greater stress.
Don't ask you child to take sides. A child does not
need to have a single loyalty to one parent. Your child
should be able to love both of you, even though you
don't love each other.
- Maintain normal discipline in both households.
Children need consistent child-rearing practices.
Overindulgence or too much leniency by either parent can
make it more difficult for the other parent to get the
child to behave. Constant competition for a child's
love through special privileges or gifts leads to a
spoiled child. The general ground rules regarding
discipline should be set by the custodial parent.
- Don't argue with your ex-spouse about your child in the
child's presence.
Children are quite upset by seeing their parents fight.
Most important, avoid any arguments regarding visiting,
custody, or child support in your child's presence.
- Try to avoid custody disputes.
Your child badly needs a sense of stability. Challenge
custody only if the custodial parent is causing obvious
harm or repeated distress to your child. False
accusations of physical or sexual abuse cause great
emotional anguish for the child. If possible, don't
split siblings unless they are adolescents and state a
clear preference for living in different settings.
- Books can provide reassurance and support.
Your child can read about other children of divorce who
feel sad and scared but yet ultimately emerge stronger.
(See the reading list under "Recommended Reading.")
CALL YOUR CHILD'S PHYSICIAN DURING OFFICE HOURS IF:
- Your child has symptoms that interfere with schoolwork,
eating, or sleeping for more than 2 weeks.
- You feel your child is depressed.
- Your child has any physical symptoms, due to the divorce,
that last for more than 6 months.
- Your child continues to believe that the parents will
come back together again, even though over a year has
passed since the divorce.
- You feel the other parent is harming your child.
- Your child refuses visits with the noncustodial parent.
RECOMMENDED READING
CHILDREN OF DIVORCE; by Mitchell A. Baris and Carla B.
Garrity; Psytec, Inc., 1988
GROWING UP DIVORCED; by Linda B. Francke; Fawcett Crest,
1983
THE BOYS AND GIRLS BOOK ABOUT DIVORCE; by Richard A.
Gardner; Bantam Books, 1970
THE PARENTS BOOK ABOUT DIVORCE; by Richard A. Gardner;
Bantam Books, 1976
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