Clinical Reference Systems: Pediatric Advisor 10.0
Spanish version
Negative, Stubborn Toddler
DESCRIPTION
Negativism is a normal phase most children go through
between 18 months and 3 years of age. It begins when
children discover they have the power to refuse other
people's requests. During this time, children respond
negatively to many requests, including pleasant ones. In
general, they are stubborn rather than cooperative. They
delight in refusing a suggestion, whether it's about getting
dressed or taking off their clothes, taking a bath or
getting out of the bathtub, going to bed or getting up.
DEALING WITH A NEGATIVE, STUBBORN TODDLER
Consider the following guidelines for helping you and your
child through this phase.
- Don't take this normal phase too personally.
By saying no your child means, "Do I have to?" or "Do
you mean it?" This response should not be confused with
disrespect. This phase is important to the development
of independence and identity. Try to look at it with a
sense of humor and amazement.
- Don't punish your child for saying no.
Punish your child for what he does, not what he says.
Since you can't eliminate the no, ignore it. Arguing
with your child about saying no will prolong this
behavior.
- Give your child extra choices.
This is the best way to increase your child's sense of
freedom and control, so that she will become more
cooperative. Examples of choices are letting your child
choose between a shower or a bath; which book to read;
which toys to take into the tub; which fruit to eat for
a snack; which clothes or shoes to wear; which breakfast
cereal to eat; which game to play, whether inside or
outside, in the park or in the yard; and so forth. For
tasks your child doesn't like, give her a say in the
matter by asking, "Do you want to do it slowly or fast?"
or "Do you want me to do it, or you?" The more quickly
your child gains a feeling that she is a decision-maker,
the sooner this phase will be over.
- Don't give your child a choice when there is none.
Safety rules, such as sitting in the car safety seat,
are not open to discussion, although you can explain why
the rule must be followed. Going to bed or to day care
also is not negotiable. Don't ask a question when
there's only one acceptable answer, but direct your
child in as kind a manner as possible (for example, "I'm
sorry, but now you have to go to bed"). Commands such
as "Do this or else" should be avoided.
- Give transition time when your child's activity must
change.
If your child is having fun and must change to another
activity, he probably needs a transition time. For
example, if your child is playing with trucks as
dinnertime approaches, give him a 5-minute warning. A
kitchen timer sometimes helps a child accept the change
more readily.
- Eliminate excessive rules.
The more rules you have, the less likely it is that your
child will be agreeable about following them. Eliminate
unnecessary expectations and arguments about wearing
socks or cleaning her plate. Help your child feel less
controlled by having more positive interactions than
negative contacts each day.
- Avoid responding to your child's requests with excessive
no's.
Be for your child a model of agreeableness. When your
child asks for something and you are unsure, try to say
yes, or postpone your decision by saying, "Let me think
about it." If you are going to grant a request, do so
right away, before your child whines or begs for it.
When you must say no, say you're sorry and give your
child a reason.
CALL YOUR CHILD'S PHYSICIAN DURING OFFICE HOURS IF:
- You or your spouse can't accept your child's need to say
no.
- You or your spouse have trouble controlling your temper.
- Your child has several other discipline problems.
- This approach doesn't bring improvement within one month.
- You have other questions or concerns.
|