Clinical Reference Systems: Pediatric Advisor 10.0
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Sibling Rivalry Toward a Newborn
DESCRIPTION
Sibling rivalry refers here to the natural jealousy of
children toward a new brother or sister. Older siblings can
feel jealous when the baby arrives until they are 4 or
5 years old. Not surprisingly, most children prefer to be
the only child at this age. Basically, they don't want to
share your time and affection. The arrival of a new baby is
especially stressful for the firstborn and for siblings less
than 3 years old. The jealousy arises because the older
sibling sees the newcomer receiving all the attention,
visitors, gifts, and special handling.
The most common symptom of sibling rivalry is lots of
demands for attention: the older child wants to be held and
carried about, especially when mother is busy with the
newborn. Other symptoms include acting like a baby again
(regressive behavior), such as thumbsucking, wetting, or
soiling. Aggressive behavior--for example, handling the
baby roughly--can also occur. All of these symptoms are
normal. While some can be prevented, the remainder can be
improved within a few months.
PREVENTION
- During pregnancy
- Prepare the sibling for the newcomer. Talk about the
pregnancy. Let your child feel your baby's
movements.
- Try to find a hospital that provides sibling classes
where children can learn about babies and about
sharing their parents with a new brother or sister.
- Try to give your child a chance to be around a new
baby so that he has a better idea of what to expect.
- Encourage your child to help you prepare the baby's
room.
- Move your child to a different room or new bed
several months before the baby's birth. If she will
be enrolling in a play group or nursery school, start
it well in advance of the birth.
- Praise your child for mature behavior, such as
talking, using the toilet, feeding or dressing
herself, and playing games.
- Don't make any demands for new skills (such as toilet
training) during the months just preceding the
delivery. Even if your child appears ready, postpone
these changes until your child has made a good
adjustment to the new baby.
- Tell your child where she'll go and who will care for
her when you go to the hospital if she won't be home
with her father.
- Read books together about what happens during
pregnancy and after the baby is born.
- Look through family photographs and talk about your
child's first year of life.
- In the hospital
- Call your older child daily from the hospital.
- Try to have your older child visit you and the baby
in the hospital. Many hospitals will allow this.
- If your older child can't visit you, send her a
picture of the new baby.
- Encourage Dad to take your youngster on some special
outings at this time (for example, to the park, zoo,
museum, or fire station).
See also New Sibling: While Mother Is in the
Hospital
- Coming home
- When you enter your home, spend your first moments
with the older sibling. Have someone else carry the
new baby into the house.
- Give the sibling a gift "from the new baby."
- Ask visitors to give extra notice to the older child.
Have your older child unwrap the baby's gifts.
- From the beginning, refer to your newborn as "our
baby."
- The first months at home
- Give your older child the extra attention he needs.
Help him feel more important. Try to give him at
least 30 minutes a day of exclusive, uninterrupted
time. Hire a baby sitter to care for the baby and
take your older child outside or look through his
baby album with him. Make sure that the father and
relatives spend extra time with him during the first
month. Give him lots of physical affection
throughout the day.
- When you are busy attending to the baby, try to
include your older child by talking with him. When
you are nursing or bottle-feeding the baby, read a
story, play a game, or do a puzzle with your older
child.
- Encourage your older child to touch and play with the
new baby in your presence. Allow him to hold the
baby while sitting in a chair with sidearms. Avoid
such warnings as "Don't touch the baby." Newborns
are not fragile and it is important to show your
trust. However, you can't allow the sibling to carry
the baby until he reaches school age.
- Enlist your older child as a helper. Encourage him
to help with baths, dry the baby, get a clean diaper,
or find toys or a pacifier. At other times encourage
him to feed or bathe a doll when you are feeding or
bathing the baby. Emphasize how much the baby likes
the older sibling. Make comments such as "Look how
happy she gets when you play with her," or "You can
always make her laugh."
- Don't ask the older siblings to be quiet for the
baby. Newborns can sleep fine without the house
being perfectly quiet. This request can lead to
unnecessary resentment.
- Accept regressive behavior, such as thumbsucking or
clinging, as something your child needs to do
temporarily. Do not criticize him.
- When your child behaves aggressively, intervene
promptly. Tell him, "We never hurt babies." Send
your child to "time-out" for a few minutes. Don't
spank your child or slap his hand at these times. If
you hit him, he will eventually try to do the same to
the baby as revenge. For the next few weeks don't
leave the two of them alone.
- If your child is old enough, encourage him to talk
about his mixed feelings about the new arrival.
Suggest an alternative behavior: "When you're upset
with the baby, come to me for a big hug."
CALL YOUR CHILD'S PHYSICIAN DURING OFFICE HOURS IF:
- Your older child tries to hurt the baby.
- Regressive behavior doesn't improve by 1 month.
- You have other questions or concerns.
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