Clinical Reference Systems: Pediatric Advisor 10.0
Hurting Another Child
DESCRIPTION
Children experiment with aggressive behaviors such as
hitting, slapping, pinching, scratching, poking,
hair-pulling, biting, kicking, shoving, and knocking down.
Because hurting other people is unacceptable in the adult
world and potentially harmful, do not allow children to
behave this way.
CAUSES
Many children fight when they are angry. They do not like
something another child did and they retaliate. Or they may
want something another child has and see force as the
easiest way to get it.
Most children try aggressive behaviors because they see
other children or people on TV behave this way. If children
get what they want by hitting, this behavior will become
more frequent.
Occasionally children become excessively aggressive because
they receive lots of spankings at home or witness spouse or
sibling abuse.
RECOMMENDATIONS
- Establish a rule.
"Do not hit because it hurts. We do not hurt people."
- When your child behaves aggressively, give him a brief
time-out in a boring place.
When it looks as if your child might hurt someone,
intervene immediately. Stop the behavior at the early
threatening or shoving stage. Do not wait until the
victim is hurt or screaming. Giving your child a
time-out helps him learn to calm down rather than
explode when he is angry.
If the time-out is not effective, also take away your
child's favorite toy or television time for the
remainder of the day.
- Suggest acceptable ways to express anger.
You want your child to learn to talk about his anger in
a calm but assertive way. Encourage your child to come
to you when he is angry and talk about it until he feels
better. A second option is to teach your child to stop
and count to 10 before doing anything about his anger.
A third option is help him learn to walk away from a bad
situation. Giving your child a time-out is one way of
teaching him to walk away from anger. Teaching your
child how to control anger provides him with a valuable
resource.
Children younger than 3 or 4 years old often do not know
how to express their feelings with words. They need
time to develop language skills. When they are in
time-out, don't be surprised if they pout, mutter to
themselves, yell in their room, or pound on their door.
If they are not allowed to express their anger in these
ways, a more aggressive outburst may occur. As long as
the behavior is not destructive, ignore it.
- Verbalize your child's feelings for him.
If your child has trouble talking about his anger, put
it into words for him: "I know that you feel angry." It
is unrealistic to expect your child not to feel anger.
You may need to make an understanding statement such as,
"You wish you could punch your brother, but we cannot
hurt other people."
- Teach your child acceptable ways to get what he wants.
Teach your child to ask for what he wants rather than
take it. Teach him how to take turns or how to trade
one of his toys to gain use of another child's toy.
- Give special attention to the victim.
When children start fighting try to rescue the victim
before he is hurt. While the child who was aggressive
is in time-out, pick up the child who has been injured
and give him sympathy and attention. The child in
time-out will wish for your attention. Your attention
to the victim instead should prompt the aggressive child
to think more about the situation.
If fighting is a pattern with certain playmates or
siblings, make sure that the child who appears to be the
victim isn't actually getting the other child into
trouble to gain attention.
- Never hit your child for hitting someone else.
Hitting your child teaches that it is fine to hit if you
are bigger. If your child tends to be aggressive, you
must eliminate all physical punishment such as spanking.
You can use many other consequences such as time-out to
teach your child right from wrong.
- Praise your child for friendly behavior.
Praise your child for being nice to people, playing with
others in a friendly way, sharing things, and helping
other children. Remind your child that people like to
be treated kindly, not hurtfully. Some children respond
to a system of receiving a treat or a star on a star
chart for each day they do not behave aggressively.
PREVENTION
Set a good example. Show self-control and how you solve
problems by talking about them. Avoid playmates who often
tease or other situations in which your child frequently
fights. When your child becomes tired or hungry, he should
leave the area of play until these needs are met.
CALL YOUR CHILD'S PHYSICIAN DURING OFFICE HOURS IF:
- The aggressive behavior is very frequent.
- Your child has seriously hurt another child.
- Your child can't keep friends.
- Your child seems very angry.
- The misbehavior continues more than 4 weeks after you
start following these recommendations.
- You have other questions or concerns.
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