Clinical Reference Systems: Pediatric Advisor 10.0
Spoiled Children, Prevention of
DESCRIPTION
A spoiled child is undisciplined, manipulative, and
unpleasant to be with much of the time. He behaves in many
of the following ways by the time he is 2 or 3 years old:
- Doesn't follow rules or cooperate with suggestions.
- Doesn't respond to "no," "stop," or other commands.
- Protests everything.
- Doesn't know the difference between his needs and his
wishes.
- Insists on having his own way.
- Makes unfair or excessive demands on others.
- Doesn't respect other people's rights.
- Tries to control people.
- Has a low tolerance for frustration.
- Frequently whines or throws tantrums.
- Constantly complains about being bored.
CAUSE
The main cause of spoiled children is lenient, permissive
parenting. Permissive parents don't set limits and they
give in to tantrums and whining. If parents give a child
too much power, the child will become more self-centered.
Such parents also rescue the child from normal frustrations.
Sometimes a child is cared for by a nanny or baby sitter who
spoils the child by providing constant entertainment and by
giving in to unrealistic demands.
The reason some parents are too lenient is that they confuse
the child's needs (for example, for feeding) with his wishes
(for example, for play). They don't want to hurt their
child's feelings or hear him cry. They may choose the
short-term solution of doing whatever prevents crying which,
in the long run, causes more crying.
A child's ability to cry and fuss deliberately to get his
way usually begins at about 5 or 6 months of age. There may
be a small epidemic of spoiling in our country because some
working parents feel guilty about not having enough time for
their children. To make up for this, they spend their free
time together trying to avoid the friction that setting
limits might cause.
The difference between giving children the attention they
need and spoiling them can be unclear. In general,
attention is good for children. However, it can become
harmful if it is excessive, given at the wrong time, or
always given immediately. Attention from a parent is
excessive if it interferes with a child's learning to do
things for himself and deal with life's frustrations.
Giving attention when you are busy because your child
demands it is an example of giving attention at the wrong
time. Another example is when a child is throwing a tantrum
and needs to be ignored. If attention is always given
immediately, your child won't learn to wait.
Holding and cuddling are a form of attention that some
parents worry about unnecessarily. Holding babies is
equivalent to loving them. In many cultures, parents hold
their babies much more than we do in this country. Lots of
holding does not spoil a child.
EXPECTED COURSE
Without changes in child-rearing, spoiled children run into
trouble by the time they reach school age. Other children
do not like them because they are too bossy and selfish.
Adults do not like them because they are rude and make
excessive demands. Eventually spoiled children become hard
for even their parents to love because of their behavior.
Because they don't get along well with other children and
adults, spoiled children eventually become unhappy. They
may show decreased motivation and perseverance in their
school work. There is also an association with increased
risk-taking behaviors during adolescence, such as drug
abuse. Overall, spoiling a child prepares a child poorly
for life in the real world.
HOW TO PREVENT A CHILD FROM BECOMING SPOILED
- Provide age-appropriate limits and rules for your child.
Parents have the right and the responsibility to take
charge and make rules. Adults must keep their child's
environment safe. Age-appropriate discipline must begin
by the age of crawling. Hearing "no" occasionally is
good for children. Children need external controls
until they develop self-control and self-discipline.
Your child will still love you if you say "no" to him.
If your kids like you all the time, you're not being a
good parent.
- Require cooperation with important rules.
Your child must respond properly to your directions long
before he starts school. Important rules include
staying in the car seat, not hitting other children,
being ready to leave on time in the morning, going to
bed on time, and so forth. These adult decisions are
not open to negotiation. Do not give your child a
choice when there is none.
Give your child a chance to decide about such things as
which cereal to eat, which book to read, which toys to
take into the tub, and which clothes to wear. Make sure
your child understands the difference between areas in
which he has choices and areas in which he does not.
Try to limit your important rules to no more than 10 or
12, and be willing to take a firm stand about these
rules. Also, be sure all of your child's adult
caretakers enforce your rules consistently.
- Expect your child to cry.
Distinguish between your child's needs and wishes.
Needs include relief from pain, hunger, and fear. In
these cases, respond to crying immediately. Other
crying is harmless and usually relates to your child's
wishes. Crying is a normal response to change or
frustration. When crying is part of a tantrum, ignore
it. Don't punish your child for crying, call him a
cry-baby, or tell him he shouldn't cry. Avoid denying
him his feelings, but don't be moved by his crying.
There are times when you will have to withhold attention
and comforting temporarily to help your child learn
something that is important (for example, that he can't
pull on your hair or earrings).
Respond to the extra crying your child does when you are
tightening up on the rules by providing extra cuddling
and enjoyable activities when he is not crying or having
a tantrum.
- Do not allow tantrums to work.
Children throw temper tantrums to get your attention, to
wear you down, to get you to change your mind, and to
get their own way. Crying is used to change your "no"
to a "yes." Tantrums may include whining, complaining,
crying, breath-holding, pounding the floor, shouting, or
slamming a door. As long as your child stays in one
place and is not too disruptive or in a position to harm
himself, you can safely ignore him during a tantrum. By
all means, don't give in to tantrums.
- Don't overlook discipline during quality time.
If you are a working parent, you will want to spend part
of your free time each day with your child. This time
needs to be enjoyable, but also reality-based. Don't
ease up on the rules. If your child misbehaves, remind
him of the limits. Even during fun activities, you need
to enforce the rules.
- Don't start democratic child-rearing until your child is
4 or 5 years old.
Don't give away your power as a parent. When your child
reaches the age of 2 years, have rules, but don't talk
too much about them. Toddlers don't play by the rules.
By age 4 or 5, your child will begin to respond to
reason about discipline issues, but he still lacks the
judgement necessary to make the rules. During the
elementary school years, show a willingness to discuss
the rules. By age 14 to 16, an adolescent can be
negotiated with as an adult. You can ask for his input
about what limits and consequences are fair (that is,
rules become joint decisions).
The more democratic a parent is during a child's first 2
or 3 years, the more demanding the child tends to
become. In general, young children don't know what to
do with power. Left to their own devices, they usually
spoil themselves. If they are testing everything at age
3, it is abnormal and needs help. If you have given
away your power, take it back (that is, set new limits
and enforce them). You don't have to give a reason for
every rule. Sometimes it is just because "that's the
rule."
- Teach your child to cope with boredom.
Your job is to provide toys, books, and art supplies.
Your child's job is to use them. Assuming you talk and
play with your child several hours a day, you do not
need to be his constant playmate. Nor do you need to
always provide him with an outside friend.
When you're busy, expect your child to amuse himself.
Even 1-year-olds can keep themselves occupied for
15 minutes at a time. By age 3, most children can
entertain themselves about half of the time. Sending
your child off to "find something to do" is doing him a
favor. Much good creative play, thinking, and
daydreaming come from coping with boredom. If you can't
seem to resign as social director, consider enrolling
your child in a play group or preschool.
- Teach your child to wait.
Waiting helps children learn to deal with frustration.
All adult work carries some degree of frustration.
Delaying immediate gratification is something your child
must learn gradually, and it takes practice. Don't feel
guilty if you have to make your child wait a few minutes
now and then (for example, when you are talking with
others in person or on the telephone). Waiting doesn't
hurt a child as long as it isn't excessive. His
perseverance and emotional fitness will be improved.
- Don't protect your child from normal life challenges.
Changes such as moving and starting school are normal
life stressors. These are opportunities for learning
and problem solving. Always be available and
supportive, but don't help your child with situations he
can handle by himself. Overall, make your child's life
as realistic as he can tolerate for his age, rather than
going out of your way to make it as pleasant as
possible. His coping skills and self-confidence will
benefit.
- Don't overpraise your child.
Children need praise, but it can be overdone. Praise
your child for good behavior and following the rules.
Encourage him to try new things and work on difficult
tasks, but teach him to do things for his own reasons
too. Self-confidence and a sense of accomplishment come
from doing and completing things that he is proud of.
Praising your child while he is in the process of doing
something may cause him to stop at each step, expecting
more praise. Giving your child constant attention can
make him praise-dependent and demanding. Avoid the
tendency (especially common with the first-born) to
overpraise your child's normal development.
- Teach your child to respect the rights of adults.
A child's needs for love, food, clothing, safety, and
security obviously come first. However, your needs are
important too. Your child's wishes (for example, for
play or an extra bedtime story) should come after your
needs are met and as time allows. This is especially
important for working parents where family time is
limited.
Both the quality and quantity of time you spend with
your child are important. Quality time is time that is
enjoyable, interactive, and focused on your child.
Children need some quality time with their parents every
day. But spending every free moment of your evenings
and weekends with your child is not good for your child
or for you. You need a balance to preserve your mental
health. Scheduled nights out with your spouse or
friends will not only nurture your adult relationships,
but also help you to return to parenting with more to
give. Your child needs to learn to accept separations
from his parents. If he isn't taught to respect your
rights, he may not learn to respect the rights of other
adults.
CALL YOUR CHILD'S PHYSICIAN DURING OFFICE HOURS IF:
- You feel your child is becoming spoiled.
- You and your spouse often disagree on discipline.
- Your child doesn't improve 2 months after you have
tightened up on the limits you set.
- You have other questions or concerns.
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