Children & Adolescents Clinic

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Clinical Reference Systems: Pediatric Advisor 10.0

Communicating with Your Child

Nothing builds your child's self-esteem more than when you truly listen and respond to your youngster's thoughts and feelings. At the same time, good communication between you and your child in the early years sets the stage for good communication between you and your teenager later on.

While parenting communication should never become studied and self-conscious, consider the following:

LISTEN TO YOUR CHILD WITHOUT INTERRUPTING.

Quiet, attentive listening takes patience and concentration. Too often it is easy to react quickly and jump to conclusions before your child has finished speaking. "Stay with" your child as the problem or story unfolds. If given the chance to express a point of view fully, your youngster will then be more likely to talk to you about important matters later rather than turning to someone else.

ACCEPT YOUR CHILD'S FULL RANGE OF EMOTIONS.

Your child knows what is going on inside. Do not disregard your youngster's true feelings with such statements as, "Why are you so disappointed? We'll go another time", or, "Be brave and stop crying". Instead, acknowledge your child's feelings, painful though they may be. This communicates acceptance and understanding.

HEAR WHAT YOUR CHILD IS NOT SAYING.

What your child leaves out of a conversation is often more important than what is included. Pay attention to your child's body language--gestures, tone of voice, facial expression. Read between the lines to grasp the true meaning of your child's statements. Simple, nonjudgmental remarks like, "You look upset", or, "You sound unhappy", will let your child know that you understand and are willing to listen.

Remember that your nonverbal messages are powerful, too. Your attitudes and feelings are communicated quite accurately to your child through your expressions as well as your words.

HELP YOUR CHILD CLARIFY FEELINGS, IDEAS, AND OPINIONS.

By bouncing back your child's contributions, you help explore thoughts and feelings further. Examples of clarifying statements are:

  • "Tell me more about it."
  • "Can you give me an example?"
  • "Wow! Sounds as if you'd really like that!"
  • "You got pretty scared when that happened?"
  • "You seem embarrassed by . . . "
  • "Are you saying you're uncomfortable with . . . "
  • "That's really important to you, isn't it?"
  • "It really hurt when . . . "

ASSIST YOUR CHILD IN DISTINGUISHING BETWEEN THOUGHTS AND ACTIONS.

Accepting your child's full range of feelings does not imply sanctioning a full range of behaviors. Help your child understand that feelings themselves are not bad or good whereas behaviors can be acceptable or unacceptable. For example, point out to your child that it is all right to feel angry at a brother or sister but not all right to hurt him or her in any way.

USE "I" STATEMENTS FREQUENTLY.

By communicating in terms of "I," your child is more likely to understand and thus accept your message. "I" messages describe the upsetting (or pleasing) behavior and the effect it has on you. For instance, "I'm upset over the noisy stereo because I have a headache. Please turn it down and close the door." A counter-statement such as, "Why do you always have to make such a racket? Can't you see I have a headache!," often serves to embarrass or belittle your child and consequently causes defensiveness.

PROVIDE APPROPRIATE FEEDBACK.

  • Comment as soon after an event or observation as possible.
  • Do not overload your child by talking too much.
  • Use specific examples whenever possible.
  • Help your child solve a problem by asking, "What have you tried? What are the possibilities?," rather than resolving it yourself.

HELP YOUR CHILD DEVELOP EFFECTIVE COMMUNICATION SKILLS.

Speaking and listening skills can be developed by participating in planned communication activities that are fun for you and your child.

(For specific activities designed to enhance communication abilities, see Children's Literature: Activities )

ENCOURAGE COMMUNICATION THROUGH CREATIVE EXPRESSION.

Children are wonderfully complex, yet generally lack the ability to talk about their thoughts and feelings in depth. Art, music, dance, and drama provide outlets for the release of thoughts and emotions.

DO NOT CORRECT GRAMMATICAL ERRORS WHILE YOUR CHILD IS TALKING.

Your youngster will likely become unduly self-conscious if you constantly direct attention to mistakes in delivery. Instead, use an indirect approach. For example, if your child says, "I just seen a big dog across the street", repeat, "You just SAW a big dog? I just SAW one, too. What did he look like?"

COMMUNICATE THE POSITIVE.

Remember to praise your child when you like or appreciate something, rather than waiting for misbehavior to communicate.


Written by Donna Warner Manczak, Ph.D., M.P.H.
Copyright 1999 Clinical Reference Systems