Clinical Reference Systems: Pediatric Advisor 10.0
Death: Preparing Children for the Death of a Loved One
The chance of losing someone important during childhood is
high. As many as 1 in 20 children lose a parent before 20
years of age! This statistic does not even mention the very
common experience of losing other loved ones such as
grandparents, aunts, uncles, or close friends. Chances are
that your child will lose someone important to them before
adulthood.
With that in mind, how can we prepare our children for the
likelihood of an important loss in childhood? First, we can
do all we can to give our children a sense of security.
Children who have consistent loving care, support, and
opportunities for success, are better able to remain happy,
secure and optimistic about the future, even after they lose
a loved one.
Young Children
You should talk to your children about death and what it
means in a way they can understand. Introducing the idea of
death in the preschool years is important, particularly if
it is likely that a loved one will die soon. Children,
between ages 2 to 7, react to people not being with them.
Preschool children do not understand that dead people are
gone forever. Explain your spiritual beliefs about the
cycle of life and death, in simple words. It will be
difficult for a very young child to understand the ideas,
but giving them words to use in talking about death is a
first step to helping them understand. Use opportunities
presented in stories, children's movies, and animal death to
talk about the topic.
The most important thing for a young child to know is that
someone will always be there to take care of them. Very
young children have little concept of time and the future.
Unless there is some reason to think that a parent will die
soon, you may want to answer "no" to the question "Mommy
will you die?" In this way, you will be honestly answering
your young child's "real" question. The "real" question
that a preschool age child has is "Mommy will you be here to
take care of me?" If you are uncomfortable not telling the
literal truth about your eventual death, than you must find
a way to assure your child that you or someone else who
loves her will be there as long as she needs you.
School-age Children
School-age children are beginning to understand that death
is final. They are less likely, than a preschool child, to
expect the dead person to return. Some older school-age
children (ages 9 or 10) will begin to understand the
difference between body and spirit and spiritual
explanations begin to have some meaning. School-age
children can think about the future more clearly and can
anticipate what it would be like to lose someone important.
You can help your child understand what will happen in his
life if someone dies. You should also explain the ways that
your family or community grieves. Is there a funeral, a
wake, a celebration of life? What happens at these events.
What do people do after the funeral? Do they share food,
take time with nature, etc.? Children are comforted in
knowing how they fit in to the routines and customs.
Your child may avoid upsetting topics and ideas. Your child
may change the subject or ignore you when you try to talk to
them about death. Look for other opportunities or wait for
them to bring-up the topic again.
Pre-teens and Teenagers
Children in the pre-teen years (ages 9-12) are now much more
clear that death is the end, that dead people do not return
and that death is mystery, even to adults. As your child
becomes a teenager, do not be surprised if he begins
questioning your family's faith and other strongly held
beliefs. Now your child may be more interested in talking
about death and other abstract topics. Although teenagers
know that everyone will die, they often do not act as if
that means them. Careless with their own health and
well-being, many teenagers still believe deep down, that the
rules of death do not apply to them!
Related Topics
Guidelines to Help a Child Cope with Death
Books to Help a Child Cope with Death
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