Clinical Reference Systems: Pediatric Advisor 10.0

Like other forms of stress, the stress of parenting can both build and destroy your relationship with your spouse. As in other areas of parenting, open and caring communication is critical.

SEX

It is not uncommon for couples to experience sexual difficulties after the birth of a new baby. This can be a time bomb: discuss your feelings and resolve problems before they begin to affect your relationship.

HINTS FOR RECOVERING AN ENJOYABLE SEX LIFE:

• It is hard for a woman to feel sexual when she is exhausted and has spent the day with dirty diapers. Besides trying to get some extra rest, you may want to schedule sex for times when you are rested and not distracted by crying babies. (Good luck!)
• Breast-feeding can produce either sexual conflicts or heightened arousal, depending on the woman. You should discuss these feelings with your spouse and decide how to deal with these changes.
• In addition to exhaustion, pain is generally not conducive to a woman's sexual enjoyment: you will need to give an episiotomy or the incision from a cesarean delivery time to heal.
• New mothers often are so focused on their baby that they are unable to concentrate on sex. While this is normal, it is also frustrating. Babies wake intermittently during their sleep; resist the impulse to interrupt lovemaking to go check on the baby--he will probably go right back to sleep. White noise from a fan or music can be an effective distraction. Remember: your baby will make her needs known--loudly--if she needs something.
• After birth, the muscles around the vagina, urethra, and anus may become slack. You can tone these muscles up--and add to your sexual enjoyment--through Kegel exercises: tighten your muscles very slowly, as if you are stopping urination, and then release the muscles slowly, ending by drawing your pelvis up slightly. Do 10 repetitions at a time. These exercises can be done while you are doing the dishes, cooking, or making love.
• Depression can affect your sexual desire. Seek professional help if the normal postpartum blues are prolonged.

PARENTING ROLES

In earlier times, the roles of father and mother were much more clearly defined than now: the father worked as the breadwinner and the woman stayed home and raised the children. These roles are no longer clear-cut for many families, which can result in conflict and stress for everyone involved unless the problem is resolved. Most families need to spend time discussing each member's role, making sure that everyone is comfortable with the situation. You should also recognize that this discussion has to continue, since your roles will shift as the demands of being a parent change.

New fathers come under stress in a number of ways. Many men feel a heavy burden of responsibility, and feel that they must now succeed financially. They often spend more time with work, just at the time when the woman wants them to spend extra time at home helping with the baby and providing some adult companionship. A new father also often feels cut out as his spouse's attention shifts to the new baby.

HINTS FOR FATHERS:

• While it is important to communicate your feelings to your wife, it is equally important to choose a proper time, place, and method: do not expect much attention and support from your wife when your baby has been crying for 2 hours. See if you can schedule time to talk: perhaps in the morning or after the baby has gone to sleep.
• Schedule a regular lunch or breakfast date with your wife when you can drop the baby off with a friend, grandparents, or a sitter.
• Many men panic about finances when a baby is born and begin to work longer and harder at their jobs. Unless you share these feelings with your wife, she is likely to perceive your longer work hours as escaping from the burden of caring for the new baby, not as trying to increase the family's financial security. Result: misunderstandings and fights.
• Most men feel awkward about handling a new baby. There is no substitute for hands-on experience--get involved from the beginning in all aspects of your baby's care. Try infant massage: it can be a good way to establish a nurturing, intimate relationship with your baby.
• Be an advocate for your wife if she decides to breast-feed. She will need your support and encouragement through the first 6 weeks of establishing a breast-feeding routine with the baby.
• It is enormously important that you tell your wife how much you appreciate all the effort she is making for the baby. New mothers often feel totally unappreciated.
• Maintain a sense of humor (easier said than done) and keep in mind that the first 3 months are the hardest time.

HINTS FOR MOTHERS:

• Recognize that most new mothers feel inadequate to deal with the demands placed on them.
• Communicate your feelings with your husband so that he knows how you are feeling, and try to do it when you have time to talk.
• Encourage your husband to help with the baby, and realize that the best way to turn him off is to criticize his technique of child care.
• Be sure that you tell your husband how much his support means to you and thank him for his help.
• Save some time for your relationship with your husband--it doesn't have to be much.
• Maintain your sense of humor. Having a new baby has a lot in common with camping: at times all you can do is laugh and keep going!