Clinical Reference Systems: Pediatric Advisor 10.0

Preschoolers tend to have a limited and mistaken perception of divorce. They are highly egocentric with a strict sense of right and wrong. Therefore, when bad things happen to them, they usually blame themselves by assuming they misbehaved. Children this age often interpret the departure of a parent as a personal rejection, or fear that they too will be given up.

This stage of childhood is also characterized by fantasy. Youngsters are likely to deny reality and wish intensely for a parental reunion. In addition, they commonly regress to baby behaviors: thumbsucking, bedwetting, temper tantrums, clinging to a blanket or favorite toy. They generally become apprehensive about the dark or separations of any kind.

Here are some suggestions that might help your preschooler cope during this transition.

1. Explain what is happening over and over again.

   Children this age are confused easily. In simple terms, explain where your child will live, with whom, where the departing parent will live, and who will provide care when both parents are unavailable.

2. Reassure your child constantly.

   Emphasize that your youngster is not to blame for anything--NOTHING he or she did caused the divorce; it was Mommy and Daddy who did not get along. Provide extra hugs and kisses and tell your child that you and other adults will always be near to love and protect.

3. Point out connections between your child's actions and the divorce experience.

   For example, if your child begins to cry when you are about to leave for work or run an errand, say something like, "I think you're crying because you're afraid I won't come back. Even though Daddy lives someplace else, he still loves you. I love you, too, and I live here with you. I'll always come back when I leave. Now I have to . . . ."

4. Talk to your child's day-care provider about the divorce.

   She will better understand your child's possible regressive behaviors and will likely offer extra support.

See also:

General Guidelines to Help a Child Cope with Divorce

Books to Help a Child Cope with Divorce